


Unstoppable

by lemonomin



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: M/M, jaemin is a criminal, jeno is a chef, sad but happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-03
Updated: 2020-01-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:14:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22100872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lemonomin/pseuds/lemonomin
Summary: In a damn cold night, Jaemin didn’t think he’d be craving the taste of his lips and the warmth of his skin.
Relationships: Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Comments: 6
Kudos: 39





	Unstoppable

**November 13, 2018**

Even the fourth glass wasn’t strong enough to conceal the bitterness drifting away from his skin. The La Marca Prosecco never tasted this bland that his guts doesn’t tremble at that taste. Is this what it’s like to feel empty? After all that he’d been through, he should’ve gotten used to the feeling of being alone, but why should it bother him now? Jaemin looks up to the burnt-out light bulb that barely lights up his room as it flickers with a soft sound. It was plain and easy to snuck one from a hardware shop for a replacement, but it was because the darkness didn’t bother him until now. Why should it bother him? Jaemin ask himself over and over again. If the light has left him, is it okay to want it back?

As a kid, Jaemin would resort to sleep so he can live an unrealistic but peaceful dream and it's calm when he wakes up. But now, even the most precious Jaemin holds in his dreams would slip right through his hands. A nice thought had crossed his mind, perhaps, it was his own doing, that he had abandoned all of them. He had anticipated the moment he could escape everything and everyone, but it slowly turned into anguish. Maybe it's that longing that starts getting to him and it sucks. It sucks thinking that when the day will come where they can have something that is good and there's a chance of lasting. It sucks to wait. It sucks missing someone.

A bitter smile flashes painfully on his dried lips. Because then, finally, he admitted to himself what it is that kills him everyday. It wasn't the void that squeezes his heart anymore, or the silence that's tearing his skin. All along, Jaemin knows that it's the guilt of losing _him_ , and it's driving him insane. He couldn't even humor the thought of acknowledging it when it gets painful through the days. Love doesn’t hurt for other people, but why it does to Jaemin?

His brain fries up to thinking that what triggers all these is his own behavior, his indifference and neglect. He should've listened to what was said, “ _Pay attention to me._ ", and he should've said something when Jeno walks out of the door with the words, " _I don't want to leave you, Jaemin. But you keep pushing me away._ " He remembers how his eyes avoided Jaemin's own, and when he thought Jeno would cry at that moment and run back to him like he always does, he didn't.

It's not that they were happy together. Being with him doesn't feel so bad either, and it was nice to find calmness from someone like Jeno by his side. He was kind, speaks with his peaceful voice, he was forgiving and has a pretty face, and most of all, he isn't happy being with Jaemin. Jaemin who failed him a dozen times, like when pulled the trigger to a minor that messed with him and Jeno bailed him out of the jail, or when he sleeps around with different people whenever he gets pissed off of Jeno scolding him. Jaemin can always brush him away and Jeno wouldn’t be angry. Before, it was okay, because Jeno would forgive him a hundred times more. But Jaemin finds himself making a thousand mistakes that even someone so perfect like Jeno wouldn't imagine. Suppose, it was better that they separate ways since whatever it is they have between them isn’t healthy for Jeno. Because he knew Jeno would be happier not to assosciate with a criminal like him.

Jaemin is old enough to not believe in fairytales, but Jeno’s eyes tells him otherwise. But it's still unfair that Jeno takes with him all the hope he'd given Jaemin when he left.

Jaemin loaded the Black Berreta and tucked it inside his jacket. The sound of it hitting the metal of his belt makes him excited. Why does he have to endure when he can have it _his_ way?

What completely sucks about the city streets is that it's never empty even at night. The vibrant billboard and post lights shines on Jaemin's eyes as if to annoy him. The chatter between the buyers and the sellers on the sidewalk couldn't get any louder. Everyone in the crowd moves as if they're being dragged or flying all around. The world can't be real anymore, or maybe it's just the effects of the drug he took. Jaemin walks fast, avoiding to meet any faces he had no interest in. Jaemin amuses himself how he's still familiar with the place, despite the nauseating air that fucks on his breathing. His eyes feels heavy, hands shaking with the cold night, but he had to make it there. He needs to make it there.

The folks on the alley he entered didn't seemed too friendly. And before they could grab a hold of Jaemin's collar, he runs passed them in hopes to get away. But luck doesn't seemed to be on his side when some nother folks on the end of the alley appeared before him, stopping him on his steps. Aside from his blurry vision, it was dark and Jaemin could only make out from the shadows that the guy was holding a Kukri machete. If he was a little faster, he would've bumped on him and the cold steel would probably be on his neck by now. Then the folks from earlier followed suit, trapping him. “But Jaemin isn't afraid. If anything, it excites him. Pulling out his Black Baretta from his jacket pocket, Jaemin points it first to the man holding a machette who's quick on stepping back. "Drop the knife." Jaemin instructs, to which the guy quickly implied and kicked it to Jaemin's direction. It's gotten boring how the looks on the guys faces changed into terrified expression when Jaemin points at them one by one. “He has a gun.” Someone says. The wolves quickly turned into little sheeps, and Jaemin had them all in his fingers. But he figures it's going to take time to put a bullet on their heads one by one, and the neighbors who would hear the gunshot might cause a ruckus. But Jaemin doesn't have any time left for that, so he tells them to let him pass without anyone getting hurt.

When he's back on the streeets, the pedestrian lane was packed with people and he joins them to cross to the other side. Jaemin is nearing his destination, and his ears throb from the anticipation just by seeing the all too familiar area within his eye range. The wall clock from the pet shop says it's 11:45 pm. Next to a coffee shop is the restaurant where he wan'ts to be. The door sign says it's closed, but the lights inside the place is still on. Jaemin knows Jeno is still in there ending his shift by helping the owner arrange the tables and the utensils for the following day even if he doesn’t get paid for it. Jeno works as a chef but he was unselfish enough not to make the part-timer waiters do the job because he knows they have to get enough sleep for school the next day, and he didn't want the old owner to work alone. Either Jeno is way too generous, or it's just that he had so much pity for anyone. That he pitied even psychopath like Jaemin.

Watching from the other side of the road, Jaemin sees Jeno comes out of the door and bowed to the restaurant owner. He's still on his chef uniform, a neatly folded pullover on his left arm while his free hand holds his phone as he walks, too occupied to notice Jaemin walking towards his direction. Instead of a greeting, Jaemin stills him by cocking the gun at the back of his head. By the way Jeno’s shoulder heaves with his breathing, Jaemin could tell that he was surprised. But he wasn't nervous, Jaemin knows, considering how many times Jaemin had done this to him. After some heavy breaths, Jeno finally clears his throat and says, "Let's not do this here."

Jaemin doesn't need to be told twice, and he pulled his gun back, tucking it on the back of his pants. Jaemin follows him quietly, having too much trust on that he wouldn't run away or cry for help. Jeno continues to walk ahead without even looking back, that had Jaemin feeling disregarded, when right now what he craves the most is his attention. They take the sidewalk, knowing Jeno , he would avoid the alleys at all cost to prevent dangerous encounters like Jaemin had faced earlier before coming here. But taking the streets could only mean it's going to take longer for them to get to Jeno’s apartment if that's where they're heading, when Jaemin is already itching for Jeno’s touch on his skin that it's so fucking frustrating. But it wasn't the familiar way, and Jaemin finds himself in an unfamiliar place as they continue to walk. Jeno probably noticed his agitation when he heard the sound of Jaemin about to pull out his gun again, so he said, "Don't worry. I'm not taking you there."

Jaemin had no idea what he meant by ' _there_ ' but he guesses it wouldn't be safe for anyone to take notice of them, or Jaemin's gun in general, so he relaxes. Or maybe because Jeno told him not to worry. It wasn’t so hard to trust Jeno even in this cruel world. They climb up a three story stairs and Jaemin's eyes wanders around at the unfamiliar apartment they entered. His body starts to heats up, probably the influence of the drugs starting to die down as his body adjust to the normalcy of the temperature. And then it begins to hit him, that Jeno is there right before his eyes, unlocking the door of the apartment Jaemin haven’t been before. Jaemin was going to ask when did he move, but the expression on Jeno’s face looks sullen, and he didn't have to say it for Jaemin to understand that Jeno just wants him to leave. Because even if he wants Jaemin to leave, he wouldn’t say it. Jeno isn’t capable of saying things that he knows will hurt Jaemin, not because he’s afraid of him, but because he knows that Jeno cares about him. Still, Jaemin followed him inside and locks the door behind. He stood by the door, watching Jeno take off his white coat. He disappears to the kitchen, and Jaemin is left there standing, taking in the whole place. On the living room, there were a lot of toy car collectibles Jaemin knows Jeno have no interest in. It kicks when his eyes wanders to the shoe racks, and he finds the shoes neatly arrange. Most of them he knows Jeno does not own.

"So you're living with someone now." Jaemin says when Jeno reappears from the kitchen, more of a sentence than a question. And he wants him to say no.

Jeno only hums in response, still not looking at Jaemin. He walks to the end table where a peach scented candle is lit and used his shaky fingers to put out the fire, it's aroma is just as sickening as being in the same room with Jeno knowing that he isn't his. He still hasn't say a single word, and Jaemin could only wish that Jeno will look at him even for a second even if he doesn't want to. Jaemin craves anything Jeno could give him, even a simple glance.

Jaemin regrets it when Jeno raised his head, and he found himself cornered and reflected on Jeno’s eyes. It was the void that seeped into his blood and paralyzed his brain, his pupils became dilated and there was a tremor in his hands that he couldn't bear to move while trying to suppress the clamor that's inside him. Jeno’s presence alone was too much to bear, and Jaemin couldn't hold up to his stare any longer that his own gaze has fallen to the ground. The silence was discomforting that he heard the drops of tears that falls on the floor. It wasn't his. It was Jeno’s.

When Jaemin looks up again, Jeno’s tears burst forth like waterfalls on spilling down 's face. What was it for? Jaemin doesn't know. But it cuts ike a knife. Jaemin could physically feel the wounds on his heart open again. Jeno raised the back of his hands to his eyes to subdue his cries, shoulders trembling.Maybe he regrets leaving Jaemin as much as Jaemin regrets pushing him away. In an instinct, Jaemin darts to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulder, pulling him close. Jeno sunk to the warmth of his side, but it only made him sob harder. With this, Jaemin raised a hand to the back of 's head, gently patting him. "It's okay, stop crying." Jaemin whispers the comforting words but with a broken voice. These are the words Jeno always tells him whenever Jaemin would have his moments, whenever he would hurt himself for feeling so worthless. "I won't bother you anymore. I'm sorry...for everything."

This doesn't seem to calm Jeno, and his arms around Jaemin's waist tightens, burrying his face on Jaemin's chest. His embrace was too warm that Jaemin didn't want to let go, but he knows he should. Jeno is afraid of him and in silent words, he wants Jaemin to disappear. His eyes begs for it.

"I don’t have to be smart," Jaemin starts again, mounting up all the courage to say the words he'd always held at the back of his tongue. "But I understand that you are a person who works hard for your ambitions. Listen, I--- I know that I'm holding you back. I don't want to ruin your life more than I already did in the past years... that you were with me. I'm not worth it." Jaemin inhales loud at the last sentence that it yanks his heart out of his chest. It's not like they both didn't know that already, but to actually admit it was a different case. For all it’s worth, Jaemin wants to keep Jeno because he’s all he’d got. Even if Jeno isn’t his completely, but he’s always been there. Always. Even if he doesn’t have to. Jeno responded to this by sobbing even more, his fingers on Jaemin's shirt even tightening. Maybe Jeno did loved him but it’s not meant to be. "I don't have to be by your side when you achieve those dreams. I don't have to be with you anywhere. We both know, too, that we don't have to be together."

_There’s a future ahead of you, and I, a criminal, don’t want to be the one who tarnish it, he doesn’t add._

The last sentence rattles Jaemin too, and it was his turn to cry. He couldn't think straight anymore that suddenly, he didn't know where this was going. There’s a flashback to that night when Jaemin pushed him away, too insecure and too selfish. All because he overheard someone telling Jeno that he’s wasting his life away all for a criminal with no future, no life, nothing. It was frightening what could be coming out of his mouth next, but with little less no self control, Jaemin speaks again. "Do you know how scary it is to love someone you know wasn't meant for you? I've felt it. I've been miserable since the first time I saw you. The first day when I saw you at the store and pointed a gun at your head, declaring a holdup without knowing that I'll be the one who will suffer the most when I nudged the back of your head with the barrel and covered your mouth to put you to sleep and carry you to the alley after taking all your money. Because in the end, you're the one who took all of me. Sometimes, I wish I just killed you. I tried it a thousand fucking times only to find out that I couldn't. I wish I didn't chase you around to guarantee that you wouldn't report to the police. I wish I didn't see your face. I wish I didn't have to be saved by you when those two kids were mocking me and calling me a criminal in front of many people in the plaza. I've stolen so many wallets. I've robbed so many banks. I've hurt so many people. Hell, I've even killed a friend of yours. Now , don't you dare tell me that it's still out of pity that you still stayed with me... because I will never believe that."

Jaemin begs quietly, waiting for an answer. It’s insane that he wants Jeno to admit that he loves Jaemin, and that he wants to push him away at the same time. It’s not guilt tripping, but emotions inside Jaemin’s heart that needed attention. When Jeno walks out of him for the last time, he told Jaemin that he only stayed with him out of pity. It was bullshit, Jaemin knows that it’s probably his defense mechanism for it to hurt less for all the time that Jaemin pushed him away. He’d known from the way Jeno looks at him, like Jaemin is a crumbling world he wants to fix because he finds the hope in it. But this time, Jeno went quiet and he stopped crying and he looks up to Jaemin with mug eyes. He's still pretty even when he cries, Jaemin thinks. He didn't know how and why, but the next thing he knows is Jeno holding the back of his head and pulling him in for a kiss. It's funny how even in this fucked up situation, Jeno still takes his breath away. And he leans in, kissing back. But this time, Jaemin can taste the failure in his lips. The taste of goodbye that always lingers in his tongue but he never says. Still, he'll never get enough. Jaemin kissed him with a swift gradation of intensity, tongue insistent into tasting more of Jeno and making him groan. Jaemin kisses him deeper, strong hands gripping on Jeno’s hips as he pressed their bodies closer.

Even so,the first one to break the kiss is Jaemin, and seeing Jeno’s hesistant face, he forced a smile to tell him to go on and say something.

Jeno had to pull away. Looking anywhere in the room except on Jaemin's face.

"I'm sorry." Jaemin whispers to Jeno’s lips and his voice starts to break. Jaemin is sorry that he loves him.

**December** **25, 2018**

The moon is high above and appears fully illuminated from his perspective. A silver of glowing white in an indescribable sky that failed to even bring the surrounding into gray. It was ugly and Jaemin hates it. Jaemin compares himself with the moon, for it was devoid of stars. As if it was painful for the stars to stay near its side.

With his back pressed against cold of the solid roof, Jaemin raised his hand up as if to reach up to the moon. Blocking the dim light that's shining down on his face and trying to seize it with his hands, because he hates it. He hates it just to think about how many times he had to face the moon until fulfills his promise that he told Jaemin before they part that, " _When I found what I'm looking for, I'll come back to you._ "

And Jaemin smiles, believing that.

**January 3, 2020**

People don’t change even in a long period of time if they didn’t want to. It’s not always a choice to better yourself if you think the world denies you what you want and what you wanted. Just like how the stars denies the skies sometimes. When Jaemin looks up, there’s no vast horizon of castles and kingdom clouds but a ceiling that‘s too plain and suffocating. And when he looks to his everywhere are the bars that denies him of freedom. It was a place too cold, too quiet and too sad, but there’s no other path Jaemin could turn to. “It’s where you belong.” The people tells him. Maybe it’s his home.

Jaemin startles from his tiny and foamless bed when there’s a rustle of keys that clanked on the bars of his cell. When he looks, it’s a police officer, too tall and built and Jaemin remembers his name to be Officer Hansol. He wasn’t too friendly, but he isn’t like those policemen you see on TV that will hit prisoners for no reason. Jaemin looks at the handcuff he was holding that was on his wrist the next moment.

Jaemin allows the officer to guide him outside his cell, a hand on his back. It’s only when he had a look over of a path that leads to what seemed like an exit and there’s light, so bright that Jaemin had to squint as they near it. Jaemin tries not to look at the rows of cells he knows are occupied of people just like him.

It wasn’t until they’re a step to the exit when the officer says, “Someone came for you.” Then he breathes in and lets out a sigh of, “Finally.”

Jaemin doesn’t understand him. Who he was pertaining to, or why did he sigh knowing that someone came for Jaemin. Maybe it’s because Jaemin had been prisoned for three years and nobody paid him a visit. Except for that one media writer who asked permission if he could share his story to which Jaemin revokably refused and ask for the officer to bring him back to the cell immediately. Maybe it’s another one of those reporters or writers again.

What Jaemin doesn’t expect when he was sat on the chair on a small circled table, the same table he slammed when he got pissed at the writer two years ago, was Jeno pulling a chair and sitting in front of him.

“Jaemin.” Jeno says.

The first thing Jaemin noticed is Jeno’s hair that’s brushed down to his face which was usually parted to the middle, it covers most of his sharp eyebrows. His hair is the colour of fair light gold which highlights the dark mole right above his cheek. He still looks the same, and his voice sounds the same, and Jaemin doesn’t know if it’s Jeno’s face or his voice when he called Jaemin’s name that’s making his chest feel tight. And if it was tears that’s falling down on his left cheek, Jaemin doesn’t mind, eyes fixated on Jeno’s unreadable eyes.

Shame splashes on him like a sea wave and his eyes falls on the emptiness of the table between them. For Jeno, who he once controlled like a puppet, to see him in such a useless and defenseless state. It’s not that Jeno will laugh at him, he knows he wouldn’t. Like he’d always been incapable of hurting Jaemin. But it was the weight of the promise that flies out of his mouth the last time he’d look at Jeno in the eyes. “I’ll wait for you, I’ll change.” He remembers the exact words, and the heavenly smile that was there on Jeno’s face that comes with all the trust he had on Jaemin. _I failed you, like I always do, but you don’t have to forgive me anymore,_ Jaemin wants to say. He feels the handcuff on his wrists tightens, as if to remind him of how much he failed and lied to Jeno.

“I made it, Jaemin. I’ve bought a place in Incheon where I could open my own restaurant. And I want you to be the first person to know.”

Jaemin snorts a laugh upon the realization that dawns at him all at once. First, it’s the concession he receives occasionally that he would wake up to days when there’s food suitable for consumption along with the rations on the small window of his cell which couldn’t be from his family, he should’ve known that they’d long forgotten him after everything. Second, it’s Jeno who came back after all these years to tell him he had fulfilled the pact they made, “ _When I found what I'm looking for, I'll come back to you._ ”. There’s a stir of joy in his heart that he hadn’t felt for a long time, never knowing he could be capable of being happy for someone and he wants to congratulate Jeno but words doesn’t come out when you’re in too deep of chagrin and regret that cuts under his skin. And lastly, that Jeno is right before him, still beautiful and tender, with a shiny metal in his ring finger.

Jaemin wants to tell Jeno that he didn’t have to do anything with him anymore. Second chances and forgiveness is long over, and now Jaemin is a prisoner of his own mistakes, while Jeno can be happy with whatever he have now. He wants to tell Jeno that he didn’t need anything too, and that he was fine with the rations but to be someone who isn’t capable of doing anything right, his mouth failed at the first word and he says instead, “So.... you’re married?”

Deep inside, he wants Jeno to deny it because maybe it would hurt less. There’s a pause before Jeno hummed and Jaemin watches the way he flattens his palm on the table. The ring sparks with the light, and it’s blinding that Jaemin wants it to be gone.

“In a year or two.” Jeno answers.

“With who?”

“With you.”

Something tells Jaemin to look up. Like a glint of courage that makes his eyes lift back up to Jeno’s and there’s sincerity in there, the way he had always look at Jaemin like he’s something precious, like he’s the world.

“I’ve wore this having you in my mind. Like you’re a part of me. And I want you to be a part of me, still. So, Jaemin, when all of this is over, you will marry me, right?”

**April 23, 2022**

The marching bell plays along the silence of the audience in the divine hall. It’s always been difficult to be under the gaze, and to look on anyone who once knew of the person he was. The insecurity remains like a shadow to remind him of the person he was if it wasn’t for the hands that always holds him to tell him everything will be alright. Suddenly, scenarios of all his mistakes flashes in his head, the screamings, the blood, the golds that snakes around his neck and it’s harder to breathe. The horror was cut short and suddenly, all eyes on the beautiful person that was walking on the aisle. He drums his fingers inside his pocket to distract him from the thrumming in his chest. It’s like the time slows down and when their eyes meet, a smile automatically made it’s way on Jaemin’s lips. All the reassurance and solace he needed when he reaches to take Jeno’s hand in his.

“I do.”

It must be the angels and the beautiful butterflies that takes him there, Jaemin knows it’s them, when Jaemin leans in and he felt the softness of Jeno’s lips against his. So warm and tender with the promise of realness and forever. Jeno’s tongue tastes like desire and all the beautiful things Jaemin could find in the world.

“I love you, Jeno. Maybe ever since the first time I saw you, I’ve always do.”

**Author's Note:**

> idk if its important but its doyoung?? Who jeno lives with?? And they were sort of bf’s after he left jaem?


End file.
